Rebel Monk

I seem to be grooming myself for Philosophical Horror. Who shall I study in order to become a Philosopher of the Void?

Schopenhauer, Cioran … of course.

Familiarize myself with some of the more honest and disturbing literature: Celine.

Familiarize myself with the unorthodox lifestyles of Artaud, de Sade, Van Gogh.

Explore weird French philosophers Deleuze and Guattari.

Explore strange rantings of Nick Land.

Explore short stories (looking for clues) by Ligotti, Lovecraft, and Poe …

I may not be able to articulate myself with the verbal sophistication of Emil Cioran, but my way of life speaks for itself. While the sheep worship their millionaire actors who amass huge amounts of CARGO, I cannot deny my inner wealth even with a minimum of resources (government relief). What would Diogenes do in a 21st century mass-industrial society?

Would Franz Kafka have heard about the Marquis de Sade? Kafka certainly admired Schopenhauer, as did his friend Max Brod. Could de Sade’s writings have had a profound influence on Kafka’s concerns in The Penal Colony? Was Sade writing horror? Was Kafka secretly impressed with Donatien Alphonse Francoise de Sade’s nihilism?

There is a total rejection of prescribed ethical systems.

We may tend to think of Arthur Schopenhauer to be among the first unapologetic atheists, but Sade was clearly an outspoken free thinker, and Sade would have been 48 years old – and in a dungeon – when Arthur was born.

Two different men: Schopenhauer was so obsessed with so very many phobias and fears that he always slept with a loaded pistol close at hand. Nobody was going to bugger Arthur in his sleep and live to brag about it!

It is becoming clear that I have most likely broken out of the system of the controllers. I still depend on government relief for sustenance, but I have a great deal of time to think … to expand my arsenal of knowledge, and generally to be a hack. Remember that the ancient Gnostics withdrew from the world. They ate and drank little, needed little money, did not have conventional homes or jobs, and clearly avoided contact with members of the mainstream religions.

They took themselves off the grid. You can’t be controlled by a system in which you do not participate.

Who was Carpocrates? As children we are never taught about the renegades. The disciples of Carpocrates rejected marriage and private property. The Marquis de Sade, the poets Baudelaire and William Blake, philosophers Nietzsche, Cioran, Schopenahuer, the madman Antonin Artaud were all examples of people who rejected the convensions of society. They are role models …

A nap once again proves to be a powerful experience. Isolating also proves to elliminate much unnecessary grief from having to do with others. Socialization is over-rated. I’ve basically been on kind of a personal strike since 2002 … a 12 year binge?

Suddenly, as if my brain is reconstituting, I find my interest in low-level computing reawakening. Maybe I’m a different breed. I want to start compiling math code again. I download and install CYGWIN just to get the UNIX feel on the computer I’m using. Sure, before I move on, I’ll reformat the harddrive and leave it clean as new and up to date … better than new … but for now I’m going into codemode.

I want to get the old clunker out of storage and install Linux Mint 17 with Xfce on it … I want to run GCC and GDB … I swear my brain is reconstituting – like Robert Pirsig in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It is said that Bertrand Russell warded off Old Man Suicide through an intense study of higher and higher levels of mathematics. There is absolutely nothing to do in this life except, of course, replicate our DNA. If we opt out or just become a dead end, what do we do with our days and nights? I once again want to explore lower and lower levels of computing.

Listening to Roger Water’s Amused To Death, it is difficult to fathom that 22 years have passed since I was listening to that driving up to the mountains to go camping with a woman I haven’t seen in 18 years. I am glad I have kept records of daily life … it sure passes.

Magic symbols that fix problems with XP being unable to connect to the Internet:

netsh int ip reset c:\resetlog.txt

After installing Linux and exploring Jon Erickson’s Hacking: The Art of Exploitation, my spirit feels somewhat renewed. The monkey in the corner scribbles some notes in his notebook.

A trip into Freehold was kind of depressing … as usual, all there is to do in my hometown is to walk down the railroad tracks and through the fields into the woods. The town is depressing to me. So much thinking I did there … I see more clearly than I ever have. My plan is to isolate and explore computing concepts, literature, and walk around thinking deep thoughts …

Since I started a new “hacking diary” my anxiety seems to have decreased. Have I come to actually like being me? Does studying computer science concepts relieve anxiety or increase anxiety? I guess it depends on one’s mood. Ultimately the machine I am studying, exploring, and examining is myself. The very act of writing seems to soothe me. Why is that? It is a victory to discover peace and delight in being lost in hours of study rather than to be at the mercy of those who prey upon the vulnerabilities of depressives. If I can get back into the groove of thinking coherently, this might be the greatest revenge angainst the systematic stupidity of mass society.


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