Touché

Touché

A leopard doesn’t feel heartbroken by the fact that she can’t be turned into farm equipment. Why would a human being be ashamed of having an “unemployable personality”?

A tree with a knot in it can’t be turned into lumber, so it is considered “useless” – it can’t be used.

I want to be like a leopard to the farmer. I want to be a tree with a knot in it, a knot so thick that it breaks chainsaws.

I will be the useless intellectual to the captains of industry.

Touché, Broken Spirit. Touché, indeed.

Okay, now, I don’t usually do this – including a huge blast of insight from another person from a message board, although I did include several such excerpts in the manifesto 2 (Nat and a woman named Nathaniel Katz (Evil Clown at The Hat Rack) and a woman named Nicole Cushing (nicolecushing.wordpress.com : Laughing At The Abyss)), but I feel compelled to place this here, just in case the whywork.org forum should vanish again. Stranger things have happened, eg: gortbusters.org, isis.phpbb3now.com, etc.

Local Search at whywork.org/forum for ‘drooling fish’ posted by ‘Drift’.

I can’t take it, I just can’t take it

Drift wrote:

I don’t see much change in the future. If anything, my attitude against jobs has hardened recently. I ** LOVE ** being on the dole, and will do all I legally can to avoid work. The only work I would consider is creative mind-work such as photography or writing.

Normally, the Jobcentre will only send you on a course after you have been claiming for a year and a half. I’ve been on two such courses. A month ago I completed the great Government initiative — a thirteen week programme of “Intensive Activity” designed to push me into a meaningless drudge job with no extra pay (a “placement”). The scheme was run by a nearby council which failed to place me. I just sat in the office, talking and reading magazines.

Here are some tips for avoiding work without being penalised:

1. Apply for exactly the number of jobs your advisor demanded. No more. No less. This has two advantages: (a) You’ll still get your wad of readies; and (ii) You won’t look more keen than you need to be. If you did, this might encourage the Jobcentre to be more helpful than you necessarily want.

2. Make sure you fill in your jobsearch booklet. This is your “proof” that you have been looking for work. Some unscrupulous characters have been known to make up their job search and write it in this booklet. They falsely claim they visited corkinglygoodjobs.com and went nowhere near sweatygentsinshorts.net. Still, they get away with it, sometimes for years.

3. If you apply for specific jobs from, say a newspaper or the “Job points”, your advisor is less likely to make you apply for vacancies from the system. This is important because:

4. If they ask you to apply for a job from their system (i.e. they give you a printout), they’ll make you apply for it. If you don’t they might stop your dole. A couple of years ago they did this to me because I wasn’t ready with a good excuse (I’d lost the piece of paper under the armchair). Good excuses include: “Oh, I forgot,” and, “My mother vomited on it.” Remember though, you only have to apply for it, you don’t actually have to go to an interview. You can get away with turning down at least a couple of interviews. Just tell the Jobcentre that you felt a bit ill on the day, having, the previous evening, downed eleven pints of Scugdale’s Brain-Immobiliser.

5. If you do inadvertently get to an interview, you should subtly draw attention to, for example, your lack of experience, your travel difficulties, or your abundant flatulence. Opinion is divided on the subject of smiling. Some say you shouldn’t smile at all. Others say you should smile broadly and constantly, especially if you don’t have any teeth. There is a third way, which is to alternate rapidly between smiling and frowning while staring intently at the interviewer, but this takes practice and can lead to spasming, cramping and, in rare instances, excessive tensioning of the facial muscles. In one famous case, an over-enthusiastic candidate wound his muscles tighter and tighter until eventually they snapped, flinging his face across the room and into the employer’s potato salad. Not only did the candidate get his benefit stopped for attempting to chow down on the boss’s nosh, but he suffered the additional humiliation of an appearance in the News of the World under the headline, “Packed Lunch Ate My Face.”

6. A better tack is to avoid getting an interview in the first place by taking care with your CV. Long gaps in employment almost always reduce your chances of being hired. In addition, a liberal sprinkling of terms like, “angry”, “nausea”, and “violent, jerking chicken impressions,” can help no end.

7. Use a neatly hand-written envelope and a carefully-placed second class stamp.

8. If the worst comes to the worst and you actually get a job, you must deploy the only weapon that remains: Mind-boggling incompetence. You can’t be subtle about this. Many employees are bumbling fools, yet few are fired for such idiocy. If you are merely bad, they’ll just give you a crap pay rise, or give you the most boring tasks, hoping you’ll leave of your own accord. So you have to be jaw-gapingly stupid. As this must also appear natural, you have to start from day one. Even this may not be enough. In my previous job as a programmer, for example, I sat at my computer for each entire day, staring at the screen, glassy-eyed, blankly scrolling the window up and down, drooling delicately over the keyboard and occasionally blurting out, “I like fish!” Not once was I seen to add a line of code. I was bad. Very bad. Eventually, even the caretaker noticed. My supervisor had originally instructed me to complete the task in four weeks. Ten months later I moved to another company, still with the task unfinished. Insanely, they hadn’t sacked me. They were already haemorrhaging programmers and had given me the benefit of the doubt in the futile hope I might finally do something. As an aside, a friend of mine demonstrated a way of attempting to be fired that I wouldn’t recommend. He worked in a local crisp factory, operating a machine that filled bags with crisps. Frequently, he and his co-workers would consume large amounts of garlic, stilton cheese, and boiled eggs. Then they would compete to see how many open bags they could burp into before sealing and sending on for distribution. When this practice was discovered, he was identified as ringleader and moved to administrative duties. So you see how difficult it is to get dismissed. Best not to get to this stage in the first place.

Best Post Ever on the legendary forums at whywork.org/forum.

As Mattius said, Pure GOLD.
_________________
Some people hear their inner voices with great clearness, and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy … or they become legend. They won’t be using my sperm to create an army of slaves – that’s for damn sure.

Touché: Touché

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4 thoughts on “Touché

  1. ‘Why would a human being be ashamed of having an “unemployable personality”?’

    Probably because we want to be liked and accepted. Being rejected takes its toll.

    • Most of that post is from what Drift wrote at whywork.org/forum. I posted mostly because I would like to develop that kind of attitude – that disdain, that contempt, the bitter mockery of “public opinion.” It’s fearless. It’s classic.

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